Monday, February 9, 2015

Testimony of my spiritual transformation ―pursuing intimacy with my father,,,and then with my Father!

Today is our prayer day. Over the weeks, your beings have become more and more important to me. As you know, we are all deeply connected. I have been influenced by you and I might have influenced you somehow. “Now you are the body of Christ, and members individually (I Cor 12:27).”

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that the headcovering practice has brought me spiritual transformation. It is certainly a tremendous blessing, but not without some pain. Why? Because spiritual transformation is like a surgery. My good doctor (Jesus) must open my sick parts and pluck them out. So far, He has dealed with me about the issue of “authority”, “reverence”. And now He is dealing with the father-daughter relationships.

I don’t know about other countries, but in East Asian regions, we daughters often have a problem of relationship with our fathers. In many cases, East Asian fathers don’t express their love to their daughters in a way which we feel we are loved or accepted. Usually they don’t kiss nor hug us. They don’t say verbally how much they love us. And most of all, they are not at home! I think one of the main reasons why so many young Japanese (and East Asian) women suffer emotional disturbance in their 10s and 20s is the lack of intimacy with our fathers. My own father was working far from home and he was barely able to come home once a week.

When I started to cover my head, I realized how much I had desired to have intimate relationship with my father. I wanted to feel close to my father. Having non-Christian father, however, makes it more difficult to develop a kind of intimacy which I longed for. (I must say that my father is a wonderful person and I honor him so much. I deeply appreciate God for granting me such a great father.)

Praise God for his goodness. Some disappointments and sadness in me in my relationship with my earthly father caused me to seek something further. My soul started to seek something which is really intimate and secure. Like a deer pants for the water brooks, my soul pants for the One who satisfies my thirst. My soul pants for the One who is willing to respond to me and not running away from me. Yes, I started to seek my Father ardently and passionately.

Like a lost child crying for her father, my soul was calling my Father; Abba, Abba!  Where are you?  Without you, I feel so insecure. I am your little girl. Come to take me and hug me tightly with your strong arm. Am I a weird girl, Father? Am I too passionate that people cannot accept me? Abba, Abba! Do accept me and never leave me!

Thus, this ever-increasing intimacy with my Father has brought me a deep sense of security and stableness in my soul. It is an on-going process. It is a process of recovery.

 Now I am thinking of my dear sisters. Have you desired intimate relationship with your father and then you could not get it? Or you might have grown up without father. Maybe you don’t even know who your father is. Sisters, don’t be disheartened. Not a sparrow falls to the ground without our Father’s will. Let us go to seek our abba. Let us tell Him honestly how much we want to be loved and protected. We are all little girls who desperately need Father. We need Father.

Lastly, I will quote the verses from the book of Jeremiah, which I underlined last night.

"Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you. Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:12,13" 
(Psalm 23, Korean hymn, sung by Brother Park Jong ho 박종호)


Irina Glazkova said...

Kinuko, I can relate to your post a lot. I haven't seen my father much during childhood, but it was because he didn't want spend time with my mother and me. He left us when I was 7. I have seen him on and off until I left Russia. Even though I became a Christian at the age of 12, I harboured unforgiveness towards my dad until turned 21. In Russia it is such a shame if man leaves the family, people don't talk about it. Most of my friends, who are not from church, don't know that my mom brought me up by herself with help from my grandparents. Today I talk to my father on the phone once a month. I know that there are many people who don't even have parents. I'm thankful for our heavenly Father, who knows what the best for his children.
I love your writing so much, thank you for reading my blog.

Kinuko H said...

Dear dear Irina. I read your story with tears in my eyes. These were written in few lines but between each line, there must have been many many unutterable pains and agonies. Thank you so much for opening your heart and share your deep part with me and with us. By hearing your story, my love to you has ever multiplied and deepened.

I want to thank and honor your mother who has endured much and loved much. Please send my love to her and say; “Mother, your effort and love have bore fruits. Many people in all of the world are now being blessed by your daughter Irina.”

I am glad that you are talking with your earthly father once a month. May God bless him and restore him. May our Abba embrace you and fill your heart with His fatherly love and affection. I love you Irina, I love you so much. Kinuko

Anonymous said...

Dear Irina,may God bless you and your mother. And may He also remind your father.Thank you for sharing us your story of life with true heart.
Why we have to face these sufferings? Why You allow these things to happen? Many times I asked God in my life. His answer seemed to be always 'to let you ask God'.
I thank God that you are there to be with us in Him.